Hateful Review of Dune (NSFW - language)
For Terraa (and anyone else who desires the entertainment). It was written by someone who posts on a forum I used to frequent heavily, and the language is sort of lexchat-esque at times, but I still found it entertaining. It's a hateful review, so expect some vitriol. Better not to read it if you find yourself opposed to the sort of style it is written in. Nonetheless, I still found that it summed up many of my thoughts nicely, if a bit crudely. (to reiterate: I did NOT write this) _______________________________________________________________________________________ Dune "There is in all things a pattern that is part of our universe. It has symmetry, elegance, and grace--those qualities you find always in that which the true artist captures. You can find it in the turning of the seasons, in the creosote bush or the pattern of its leaves. We try to copy these patterns in our lives and our society, seeking the rhythms, the dances, the forms that comfort. Yet, it is possible to see peril in the finding of ultimate perfection. It is clear that the ultimate pattern contains its own fixity. In such perfection, all things move toward death." --from "The Collected Sayings of Muad'Dib" by the Princess Irulan "Fuck you, Frank Herbert." --from "The Collected Reactions of DK to Stupid Shit" by DK Dune is the most riveting science fiction epic of all time. If by "riveting" you mean "unspeakably shitty", and "science fiction epic" you mean "bloated overrated cancerous hunk of filthy sandworm cock". Sweet Christmas, I fucking hate Dune. I hate it so much I that I BURN with that hatred. Sometimes, at night, I awaken in the darkness screaming Dune's name, my face clenched into a snarling rictus of agony and rage, my fists slick and sticky with my own blood where my fingernails have pierced them in my sleep, as I dreamt of strangling both Frank Herbert and Paul Atreides until their eyes exploded. Okay, okay, Dune probably isn't the worst book ever or anything, but it's definitely the most overrated, and that makes it worse. See, it's not so bad that there's a prostitute on your local corner with no teeth, sagging breasts, stinking breath, and the vestigial remnants of a cock. I mean, that's disgusting, but you can manage it. What's bad is when everyone you know tries to tell you how awesome that prostitute is, how much fun they had slamming it into her gummy maw and nursing her tiny cocknubbin. It's just disgusting. Well, there you have it. Dune is that filthy skag of a hoodrat, and Frank Herbert's boring as hell plot and writing style form that nobbly little proto-cock that so many fanboys like to suck. THAT ENDS TODAY. Dune is not the grea-*test*-('") science fiction epic ever written. Dune is not mind blowing, it is not enthralling, it is not a work of unparalleled art. It's one third shitty action, one third shittier plot, and one third shittiest philosophy. It's mediocre at best and terrible at worst. It's not a book you or anyone else that values their sanity should read. And here's why: The Plot The plot is so belabored and heavily constructed that the damn thing might as well be about five pages long. For example, the first fifty or so pages are by far the book's best, but still suffer from hideous, obvious foreshadowing. Paul and his family are abandoning their watery homeworld for Arrakis, the desert planet. Duke Leto fears this will be the end of him. His concubine, Jessica, also fears this will be the end of them. They spend every other page thinking about how doomed they are (interspersed with people trying to kill them). Meanwhile, Baron Harkonnen, that daffy kid-fucking fatty, gloats about how Leto is DOOMED. See, there is NO ESCAPE. Leto has NO HOPE. Of course, when Leto did finally die, you could've knocked me over with a motherfucking feather, let me tell you. The rest of the book is like this, too. Jessica and Paul run to the Fremen and get taken in. Then Jessica plots her son's rise to the top. Then he rises to the top. Also, there's lots of random things, like druggy orgies. Also, Deus Ex Machina means that Paul is some sort of ubergod who can see the future or something, I'm not quite sure. Mainly whenever he was sitting around and zoning out, thinking about all the ways the future could bend and ripple and all this other pointless esoteric bullshit, I was too busy imagining stabbing Herbert's eyes out with his own fucking pen to notice what was going on. I'd quote one of these horrifically obtuse, pointless, and generally moronic passages to you, but that would involve me opening the book again, and I hate it so much that is NEVER going to happen. So anyway, here's the plot of Dune in a nutshell. Paul's dad dies->Harkonnen take over->Paul hangs with the Fremen->Paul goes Super Saiyan and gains power->Fremen fight Harkonnen->Paul wins and marries the Emperor's daughter or some shit. Doesn't sound like much, and it isn't, but somehow this is stretched over A COUPLE HUNDRED PAGES OF SCREAMING BLEEDING PAIN. It's hard to tell what to place under plot, but I'll go ahead and add all the cunning and super stratagems that are apparently supposed to make the novel read as threatening and complex, but mainly come off as fucking stupid. You've got a flying splinter of metal that tries to kill Paul and gets aced, a poison needle stuck in some young fuckslut's thigh that fails to kill Fatty Harkonnen, and my favorite, THE TOOTH. "Remember THE TOOTH, Duke Leto" screams the traitor doctor, while I screamed "Suck MY COCK, Frank Herbert." See, after Leto is captured, the doctor gives him a SEEKRIT LEET WEAPON- a TOOTH FILLED WITH POISON GAS. At just the right moment, he can bite down on the gas and kill Baron Harkonnen. Of course, he fucks it up. And I laughed, because it was so pseudo-cool that it was totally lame. Frank Herbert's like a five year old dressed up in a ninja suit - he tries to set up all these diabolical threats and plots and whatnot, but it's all a thin veneer. The costume's cheap and fake, the weapons are plastic. Beneath is a silly child yearning to be feared, but who can't make you do anything but laugh till you cry at his pretend-grown-up antics. We won't even get into the lame homoerotic knife fights. Let's move on to- The Characters Boy, this is a real lovely mixed bag here. On the one side is Baron Harkonnen, who's so fucking fat he can't move around without special gravity bags and who likes to screw children. On the other is Paul Atreides, who's so fucking out of his mind he's apparently going to destroy the universe with a holy Fremen war. Or Paul's mother, Jessica, who's so sweet that she uses an ancient religion implanted ages ago within the Fremen culture to manipulate them into being her son's disposable pawns. Yay for using others. Yay! Let's do a fun character by character study of the ones I remember. No, I'm not looking back to get the ones I missed. Paul Atreides- This is our hero, folks. Yay. Early on, while he's still around his dad, he's not actually too bad. Shortly after he escapes the Harkonnen Holocaust though, he starts seeing the future in weird ways and getting all distant and obtuse. He doesn't feel much like a real person at all anymore, especially once he gets hooked on spice and starts seeing visions and shit. I never felt like I knew him as a person. And never really wanted to, since all he thinks about is how to manipulate others for his own gain. Well, I think at some point he vaguely considered stopping the galactic Jihad, but apparently not hard enough, since he let the Fremen do it anyway. Yeah, I'm really rooting for THIS guy to win. Baron Harkonnen- Man, I hate this fuck. He's the villain, so I guess I'm supposed to, but I think it's mainly the fact that he's such a bad villain. He likes to screw young boys and is so monstrously fat he needs magical gravity powers to keep himself together. Beyond these lovely traits, he thinks himself terribly clever and is always ranting along about all the fake ninja-y things he's going to do to those DARN ATREIDES GRGH. Feyd Rautha- He's the baron's nephew or something. I don't like him much. He plots. He plans. He kills some guy in leotards. He sucks. The Baron fucks him. Then Paul kills him. This was bad enough, but at least it was in that order. Chani- Chani is, for lack of a better word, Paul's Fremen bitch. To give you an idea of how much character development is in these novels, I think she has less than twenty lines, and appears in about three scenes of note. However, Paul trips out on mad Fremen Spice and fucks the hell out of her, and apparently decides she's his one true love somehow. One assumes they talked, or showed affection, or had something in common, but Herbert never really bothers to show this. Chani shows up, they exchange perhaps five sentences, they fuck, they form a bond. Yeah, I didn't need to actually see any character development there, Frankie. Thanks. Jessica- Man, I hate this cunt. She wants to protect her children. I can understand this. But I think this stops somewhere between "running away" and "pulling an entire race into a violent struggle using ancient manipulative codes hidden within their very society." Like I said once more, no real morals. And I got really, really tired of hearing about her pseudo-cool fakeninja Bene Gesserit Skillz. Duke Leto- I actually liked Duke Leto, because he was a real person instead of some psychotic manipulative future-reading freak. Of course, he died. Shame about the whole TOOTH thing. Gurney Halleck- Hey, I like Gurney, too! So why is he only in like THREE SCENES IN THE FUCKING BOOK? Why does he disappear right in the middle for no apparent reason, then show up again, also for no apparent reason? Because Herbert sucks? I think SOOOOO. Thufir Hawat- I don't know what the fuck is up with Thufir here. He was like Duke Leto's right hand man, then he gets captured, and the Baron feeds him some poison that has to be administered regularly (HURRRRK SUPER KEWL), so he turns to the bad side or something. I don't fucking remember. Maybe he dies. I hope so. He was cool till he got pulled into lameoland. A shame. Paul's Freaky Ass Giant Headed Scary Little Sister- I hate this little mutant, too. She gets mutated when something happens in the womb while Jessica's tripping on that wacky ass spice. As a result, she's like three years old but speaks perfect english and walks around fine and whatnot. She's very odd, and creepy, and not at all fucking likable. She also has the lamest line in the book, when she screams "I AM THE ATREIDES GOM JABBAR" all ninjalike and stabs FattyBaron with a poison pin. He dies. I wish he'd suffocated her in his heaving folds of lard first. So in other words, they all suck and should die. Finally, there's the- Writing Style Which is about as exciting as tying a can to the rear leg of a Basset Hound and watching it walk across a sea of encyclopedias. There's no description, no energy, no life, nothing but walking and talking heads and endless philosophical musings about time and space and how much Frank Herbert would like to slide the silky panties of a virgin schoolgirl over his groin and thrust, and thrust, and THRUST... Yeah. I knew this was hopeless where I was reading a scene where a giant sandworm was chasing Paul and his mother and I nearly fell asleep. This was supposed to be a powerful scene; the worm stopped just short and bellowed this tremendous fucking roar and they were all freaked out. But I wasn't. Because it was boring. VERY boring. Even the climax is about as exciting as humping one of Baron Harkonnen's spare lardpockets. I think the climactic fight scene between Feyd and Paul is a whole page and a half. Wow. In case anyone was wondering, yes, the godchild who can see the future and commands an army of unstoppable desert warriors manages to defeat the young nobleman who gets fucked by his fat uncle a lot. No surprise there. And then I think Paul asks to marry the Emperor's daughter or something. Not because he likes her or anything, he just wants power. Way to go, Paul, you stupid shit. Too bad I know you won't die in the next few books. The Wrap-Up Dune sucks. It really, really sucks. I don't know why so many people insist that it doesn't. It's my own personal theory that: a.) they have never read another work written by a human in their lives, b.) they were brainwashed into loving the book by some insidious cult, c.) their copy of Dune contains contact acid on the cover, or d.) they're trying to fuck with my head. Dune's bad. Badbadbadbad. I can't stress this enough. I've never seen a flatter bunch of characters or a more boring adventure. The only thing this is an example of is how to fucking make a fool of yourself in front of the world. If you want to do that, just tackle the Pope and then when the security guards come to pull you off, shit your pants as hard and as fast as you can, on international television. Because let me tell you, that's the only way you'll ever get remotely close to rivaling this insipid, horrid, murderously painful shitpile of a novel.
For Terraa (and anyone else who desires the entertainment). It was written by someone who posts on a forum I used to frequent heavily, and the language is sort of lexchat-esque at times, but I still found it entertaining. It's a hateful review, so expect some vitriol. Better not to read it if you find yourself opposed to the sort of style it is written in. Nonetheless, I still found that it summed up many of my thoughts nicely, if a bit crudely. (to reiterate: I did NOT write this) _______________________________________________________________________________________ Dune "There is in all things a pattern that is part of our universe. It has symmetry, elegance, and grace--those qualities you find always in that which the true artist captures. You can find it in the turning of the seasons, in the creosote bush or the pattern of its leaves. We try to copy these patterns in our lives and our society, seeking the rhythms, the dances, the forms that comfort. Yet, it is possible to see peril in the finding of ultimate perfection. It is clear that the ultimate pattern contains its own fixity. In such perfection, all things move toward death." --from "The Collected Sayings of Muad'Dib" by the Princess Irulan "Fuck you, Frank Herbert." --from "The Collected Reactions of DK to Stupid Shit" by DK Dune is the most riveting science fiction epic of all time. If by "riveting" you mean "unspeakably shitty", and "science fiction epic" you mean "bloated overrated cancerous hunk of filthy sandworm cock". Sweet Christmas, I fucking hate Dune. I hate it so much I that I BURN with that hatred. Sometimes, at night, I awaken in the darkness screaming Dune's name, my face clenched into a snarling rictus of agony and rage, my fists slick and sticky with my own blood where my fingernails have pierced them in my sleep, as I dreamt of strangling both Frank Herbert and Paul Atreides until their eyes exploded. Okay, okay, Dune probably isn't the worst book ever or anything, but it's definitely the most overrated, and that makes it worse. See, it's not so bad that there's a prostitute on your local corner with no teeth, sagging breasts, stinking breath, and the vestigial remnants of a cock. I mean, that's disgusting, but you can manage it. What's bad is when everyone you know tries to tell you how awesome that prostitute is, how much fun they had slamming it into her gummy maw and nursing her tiny cocknubbin. It's just disgusting. Well, there you have it. Dune is that filthy skag of a hoodrat, and Frank Herbert's boring as hell plot and writing style form that nobbly little proto-cock that so many fanboys like to suck. THAT ENDS TODAY. Dune is not the grea-*test*-('") science fiction epic ever written. Dune is not mind blowing, it is not enthralling, it is not a work of unparalleled art. It's one third shitty action, one third shittier plot, and one third shittiest philosophy. It's mediocre at best and terrible at worst. It's not a book you or anyone else that values their sanity should read. And here's why: The Plot The plot is so belabored and heavily constructed that the damn thing might as well be about five pages long. For example, the first fifty or so pages are by far the book's best, but still suffer from hideous, obvious foreshadowing. Paul and his family are abandoning their watery homeworld for Arrakis, the desert planet. Duke Leto fears this will be the end of him. His concubine, Jessica, also fears this will be the end of them. They spend every other page thinking about how doomed they are (interspersed with people trying to kill them). Meanwhile, Baron Harkonnen, that daffy kid-fucking fatty, gloats about how Leto is DOOMED. See, there is NO ESCAPE. Leto has NO HOPE. Of course, when Leto did finally die, you could've knocked me over with a motherfucking feather, let me tell you. The rest of the book is like this, too. Jessica and Paul run to the Fremen and get taken in. Then Jessica plots her son's rise to the top. Then he rises to the top. Also, there's lots of random things, like druggy orgies. Also, Deus Ex Machina means that Paul is some sort of ubergod who can see the future or something, I'm not quite sure. Mainly whenever he was sitting around and zoning out, thinking about all the ways the future could bend and ripple and all this other pointless esoteric bullshit, I was too busy imagining stabbing Herbert's eyes out with his own fucking pen to notice what was going on. I'd quote one of these horrifically obtuse, pointless, and generally moronic passages to you, but that would involve me opening the book again, and I hate it so much that is NEVER going to happen. So anyway, here's the plot of Dune in a nutshell. Paul's dad dies->Harkonnen take over->Paul hangs with the Fremen->Paul goes Super Saiyan and gains power->Fremen fight Harkonnen->Paul wins and marries the Emperor's daughter or some shit. Doesn't sound like much, and it isn't, but somehow this is stretched over A COUPLE HUNDRED PAGES OF SCREAMING BLEEDING PAIN. It's hard to tell what to place under plot, but I'll go ahead and add all the cunning and super stratagems that are apparently supposed to make the novel read as threatening and complex, but mainly come off as fucking stupid. You've got a flying splinter of metal that tries to kill Paul and gets aced, a poison needle stuck in some young fuckslut's thigh that fails to kill Fatty Harkonnen, and my favorite, THE TOOTH. "Remember THE TOOTH, Duke Leto" screams the traitor doctor, while I screamed "Suck MY COCK, Frank Herbert." See, after Leto is captured, the doctor gives him a SEEKRIT LEET WEAPON- a TOOTH FILLED WITH POISON GAS. At just the right moment, he can bite down on the gas and kill Baron Harkonnen. Of course, he fucks it up. And I laughed, because it was so pseudo-cool that it was totally lame. Frank Herbert's like a five year old dressed up in a ninja suit - he tries to set up all these diabolical threats and plots and whatnot, but it's all a thin veneer. The costume's cheap and fake, the weapons are plastic. Beneath is a silly child yearning to be feared, but who can't make you do anything but laugh till you cry at his pretend-grown-up antics. We won't even get into the lame homoerotic knife fights. Let's move on to- The Characters Boy, this is a real lovely mixed bag here. On the one side is Baron Harkonnen, who's so fucking fat he can't move around without special gravity bags and who likes to screw children. On the other is Paul Atreides, who's so fucking out of his mind he's apparently going to destroy the universe with a holy Fremen war. Or Paul's mother, Jessica, who's so sweet that she uses an ancient religion implanted ages ago within the Fremen culture to manipulate them into being her son's disposable pawns. Yay for using others. Yay! Let's do a fun character by character study of the ones I remember. No, I'm not looking back to get the ones I missed. Paul Atreides- This is our hero, folks. Yay. Early on, while he's still around his dad, he's not actually too bad. Shortly after he escapes the Harkonnen Holocaust though, he starts seeing the future in weird ways and getting all distant and obtuse. He doesn't feel much like a real person at all anymore, especially once he gets hooked on spice and starts seeing visions and shit. I never felt like I knew him as a person. And never really wanted to, since all he thinks about is how to manipulate others for his own gain. Well, I think at some point he vaguely considered stopping the galactic Jihad, but apparently not hard enough, since he let the Fremen do it anyway. Yeah, I'm really rooting for THIS guy to win. Baron Harkonnen- Man, I hate this fuck. He's the villain, so I guess I'm supposed to, but I think it's mainly the fact that he's such a bad villain. He likes to screw young boys and is so monstrously fat he needs magical gravity powers to keep himself together. Beyond these lovely traits, he thinks himself terribly clever and is always ranting along about all the fake ninja-y things he's going to do to those DARN ATREIDES GRGH. Feyd Rautha- He's the baron's nephew or something. I don't like him much. He plots. He plans. He kills some guy in leotards. He sucks. The Baron fucks him. Then Paul kills him. This was bad enough, but at least it was in that order. Chani- Chani is, for lack of a better word, Paul's Fremen bitch. To give you an idea of how much character development is in these novels, I think she has less than twenty lines, and appears in about three scenes of note. However, Paul trips out on mad Fremen Spice and fucks the hell out of her, and apparently decides she's his one true love somehow. One assumes they talked, or showed affection, or had something in common, but Herbert never really bothers to show this. Chani shows up, they exchange perhaps five sentences, they fuck, they form a bond. Yeah, I didn't need to actually see any character development there, Frankie. Thanks. Jessica- Man, I hate this cunt. She wants to protect her children. I can understand this. But I think this stops somewhere between "running away" and "pulling an entire race into a violent struggle using ancient manipulative codes hidden within their very society." Like I said once more, no real morals. And I got really, really tired of hearing about her pseudo-cool fakeninja Bene Gesserit Skillz. Duke Leto- I actually liked Duke Leto, because he was a real person instead of some psychotic manipulative future-reading freak. Of course, he died. Shame about the whole TOOTH thing. Gurney Halleck- Hey, I like Gurney, too! So why is he only in like THREE SCENES IN THE FUCKING BOOK? Why does he disappear right in the middle for no apparent reason, then show up again, also for no apparent reason? Because Herbert sucks? I think SOOOOO. Thufir Hawat- I don't know what the fuck is up with Thufir here. He was like Duke Leto's right hand man, then he gets captured, and the Baron feeds him some poison that has to be administered regularly (HURRRRK SUPER KEWL), so he turns to the bad side or something. I don't fucking remember. Maybe he dies. I hope so. He was cool till he got pulled into lameoland. A shame. Paul's Freaky Ass Giant Headed Scary Little Sister- I hate this little mutant, too. She gets mutated when something happens in the womb while Jessica's tripping on that wacky ass spice. As a result, she's like three years old but speaks perfect english and walks around fine and whatnot. She's very odd, and creepy, and not at all fucking likable. She also has the lamest line in the book, when she screams "I AM THE ATREIDES GOM JABBAR" all ninjalike and stabs FattyBaron with a poison pin. He dies. I wish he'd suffocated her in his heaving folds of lard first. So in other words, they all suck and should die. Finally, there's the- Writing Style Which is about as exciting as tying a can to the rear leg of a Basset Hound and watching it walk across a sea of encyclopedias. There's no description, no energy, no life, nothing but walking and talking heads and endless philosophical musings about time and space and how much Frank Herbert would like to slide the silky panties of a virgin schoolgirl over his groin and thrust, and thrust, and THRUST... Yeah. I knew this was hopeless where I was reading a scene where a giant sandworm was chasing Paul and his mother and I nearly fell asleep. This was supposed to be a powerful scene; the worm stopped just short and bellowed this tremendous fucking roar and they were all freaked out. But I wasn't. Because it was boring. VERY boring. Even the climax is about as exciting as humping one of Baron Harkonnen's spare lardpockets. I think the climactic fight scene between Feyd and Paul is a whole page and a half. Wow. In case anyone was wondering, yes, the godchild who can see the future and commands an army of unstoppable desert warriors manages to defeat the young nobleman who gets fucked by his fat uncle a lot. No surprise there. And then I think Paul asks to marry the Emperor's daughter or something. Not because he likes her or anything, he just wants power. Way to go, Paul, you stupid shit. Too bad I know you won't die in the next few books. The Wrap-Up Dune sucks. It really, really sucks. I don't know why so many people insist that it doesn't. It's my own personal theory that: a.) they have never read another work written by a human in their lives, b.) they were brainwashed into loving the book by some insidious cult, c.) their copy of Dune contains contact acid on the cover, or d.) they're trying to fuck with my head. Dune's bad. Badbadbadbad. I can't stress this enough. I've never seen a flatter bunch of characters or a more boring adventure. The only thing this is an example of is how to fucking make a fool of yourself in front of the world. If you want to do that, just tackle the Pope and then when the security guards come to pull you off, shit your pants as hard and as fast as you can, on international television. Because let me tell you, that's the only way you'll ever get remotely close to rivaling this insipid, horrid, murderously painful shitpile of a novel.
